This is just observational satire. It isn’t a piece about some measured criticism a transport export would give.
Gautrain is a top of the line transporter in Mzansi (South Africa), after planes. I am being patriotic here; hence I am not affording credit to Uber.
1) People stand on their feet
No one stands up in a mini bus taxi; but in the Gautrain you do.
It doesn’t matter if you are the CEO of whatever top notch entity, you stand if there is not space. How unfortunate.
2) Gautrain seats are smaller than Toyota Quantum’s
Yes they are. I have measured them, with my eyes.
3) Some of the announcements
I am sitting there at the station waiting for a train. Then I hear the announcements voice say, paraphrasing, “please do not hold the train doors from closing, it leads to delays in your journey”.
If I am already inside the train, I wouldn’t disrupt the doors from closing would I. It is only when I am outside trying to forge a way inside that I would hold the doors if the button isn’t stopping them.
Therefore I would not be disrupting my journey – I would be trying to have one.
4) Stuffiness is allowed
I once commuted the train with marathon runners who were from some Spar race. Boy was it stinky stuffy.
In the past I have witnessed taxi drivers return passengers’ money and ask them to get off because the other commuters were complaining of the individual’s ‘stank’.
I give it up to the taxi drivers; they put through their requests (command) gracefully.
5) The station that is in Alexandra township is called Marlboro
When you leave the Marlboro station and step outside the gates, you realise you are in Alexandra – not Marlboro.
That is extension 10 in Alex. Marlboro is few metres away.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, the Gautrain folks thought it would be a bad branding exercise to say the prestigious train has a station in the township Alexandra.
6) People don’t greet
I once heard a taxi driver say to some lady who got into our taxi and did not close the door behind her: “you don’t close the door behind you, you don’t greet, you are wearing a frown face – this isn’t Gautrain”.
Ubuntu dololo in the Gautrain.
7) Airport commuters are always running late
With every Gautrain trip, there are always 2 or more people running with shame to catch the train to OR Tambo International Airport.
Aren’t these people supposed to be more responsible than the most of society? I mean they can afford to fly and surely hold a senior role at work.
You roast the ones you love. Xap xap.
Bonus: 2 facts you might not have known about transport in South Africa
If you didn’t know, each seat in a Putco bus has an owner. If you just got a new job, you can’t just buy a ticket and go seat anywhere.
You can open the windows and wing-hang your out out. How cool is that?